Breaking News: President Donald Trump has decided to abandon ship and fly to Florida as the U.S. stock market is tanking due to his latest tariff announcement. Because, you know, what’s a better way to handle a crisis than to attend a golf tournament and a fancy dinner? I mean, who needs to be in Washington, D.C. actually doing some work when you can be soaking up the sun in Miami?
And, of course, this trip was planned way in advance, not at all as a desperate attempt to escape the chaos he created. I’m sure it’s just a coincidence that the Federal Aviation Administration announced temporary flight restrictions in the area, revealing Trump’s plans to attend the LIV Golf tournament at his own golf course in Doral. Because, you know, the Palm Beach Post didn’t report that a U.S. Marine Corps helicopter was spotted doing a dry run at the 9th hole of Trump National Doral. (I’m sure it was just a routine training exercise… yeah, right).
But, let’s be real, who needs to worry about the stock market when you can hang out with your rich friends and play some golf? I mean, the S&P 500 is down 3.4 percent, and the Nasdaq 100 is down 4.1 percent, but hey, at least Trump will get to enjoy some nice weather and maybe even participate in the Pro-Am tournament, just like he did in 2023. And, who knows, maybe he’ll even sell some Make America Great Again hats to the attendees.
Now, I know what you’re thinking: “What about the tariffs, though?” Well, let me tell you, Trump’s got it all under control. He’s declared a national emergency to impose a 10 percent tariff on basically all imported goods, because that’s definitely not going to hurt the economy or anything. I mean, it’s not like companies like Apple and Nike, which have most of their manufacturing abroad, are going to take a huge hit or anything (oh wait, they already are, with Apple down 8.5 percent and Nike down 13 percent). And, hey, who needs economists when you have Trump’s gut feeling, right?
And, as a side note, has anyone noticed that Trump’s administration seems to be really bad at this whole “tariff” thing? I mean, they’re imposing tariffs on uninhabited islands like the Heard and McDonald Islands, which are basically just home to penguins. And, let’s not forget the small Norwegian island Jan Mayen, which doesn’t even have a permanent population. Because, you know, that’s definitely going to make a huge difference in the grand scheme of things. (I’m sure the penguins are shaking in their little flippers).
But, hey, at least Trump is consistent, right? I mean, he’s spent “part or all of 20 days in Palm Beach County during the first 70 days of his second term,” according to the Post. Because, you know, being a president is all about taking vacations and playing golf, not actually doing any work. And, who knows, maybe he’ll even make a few golf ball deals while he’s there.
It’s unclear when Trump plans to return to Washington, but I’m sure it’ll be whenever the coast is clear and the stock market has recovered from his latest debacle. In the meantime, let’s all just sit back, relax, and enjoy the chaos that is the Trump presidency. And, hey, if you’re feeling stressed, just take a deep breath and remember that you can always buy a stress ball to squeeze on.
Anyway, back to the tariffs… or should I say, the lack thereof? Because, let’s be real, it’s not like Trump actually knows what he’s doing. I mean, have you seen the CNBC panel’s reaction to the tariffs? They’re basically saying that Trump’s plan is “probably worse than the worst case scenario that was modeled.” But, hey, what do they know? They’re just a bunch of boring economists who actually understand how the economy works.
And, on a completely unrelated note, has anyone tried coffee from Amazon? I heard it’s really good. (Just kidding, kind of). But, seriously, if you’re going to survive this presidency, you’re going to need a lot of caffeine. Trust me, I’m speaking from experience.
But, I digress. Back to Trump’s golf trip… I mean, his “working vacation” (yeah, right). So, he’s going to attend the LIV Golf tournament, and then head to Mar-a-Lago for the night. Because, you know, that’s exactly what the country needs right now: more Trump golfing and less actual leadership. And, hey, who knows, maybe he’ll even make some golf club deals while he’s there.
In conclusion, Trump’s response to the tanking stock market is to fly to Florida and play some golf. Because, you know, that’s exactly what a responsible president would do in a time of crisis. And, hey, who needs to worry about the economy when you can worry about your golf swing? Priorities, people!
And, finally, if you’re feeling really stressed about the state of the country, just remember that you can always buy a therapist’s couch and talk to someone about your feelings. Or, you know, you could just scream into a pillow and hope that somehow, someway, things will magically get better. (Spoiler alert: they won’t).