Because what we really needed was another catastrophe to add to the never-ending list of global crises – and by that, I mean President Donald Trump directing the Pentagon to prepare plans for carrying out his completely absurd threat to “take back” the Panama Canal, including by military force if needed, because, you know, that’s exactly what we need more of – military interventions!
And, of course, this move has been justified under the guise of “economic security” (code for “we want to control everything”), with Trump claiming that the waterway is “operated by China”, which is completely false – I mean, who needs facts when you have alternative facts, right? But, seriously, who comes up with this stuff? Did someone at the White House just wake up one day and say, “You know what? We should totally invade Panama again!”? (By the way, has anyone checked Trump’s coffee mug collection lately? I’m starting to think it’s the caffeine talking.)
According to NBC News, U.S. Southern Command (SOUTHCOM) is drawing up potential plans that run the gamut from working more closely with Panama’s military to a less likely scenario in which U.S. troops invade the country and take the canal by force – because, you know, that’s always worked out so well in the past (sarcasm alert!). I mean, who can forget the 1989 invasion of Panama, which resulted in hundreds of Panamanian deaths and countless more displaced? (On a completely unrelated note, has anyone seen my stress ball? I think I left it in my other pants.)
But, I digress. So, Panamanian President José Raúl Molina has countered Trump’s claims, stating that “the Panama Canal is not in the process of being reclaimed… The canal is Panamanian and will continue to be Panamanian!” – and I’m like, thank you, José, for stating the obvious, but also, what’s with the drama? Can’t we all just get along? (By the way, has anyone seen that new world peace t-shirt on Amazon? I heard it’s all the rage.)
The U.S. controlled what was formerly called the Panama Canal Zone from the time of the waterway’s construction in the early 20th century (largely done by Afro-Caribbean workers, thousands of whom died in what’s widely known as the world’s deadliest construction project) until then-President Jimmy Carter transferred sovereignty to Panama in the late 1970s – and now we’re just going to take it back because… reasons? I mean, come on, can’t we just leave Panama alone? (On a related note, has anyone checked out the history books on the Panama Canal? I heard they’re page-turners.)
Writing for Americas Quarterly this week, Panamanian jurist Alonso E. Illueca argued that Panama’s efforts to appease Trump aren’t working – and I’m like, duh, who didn’t see that coming? It’s not like we haven’t seen this movie before, where the U.S. bullies some smaller country into doing its bidding, only to have it backfire spectacularly. (But, hey, who needs diplomacy when you can just use gunboat diplomacy, right?)
Illueca asserted that “Panama should abandon its accommodating policy towards the U.S., which can only lead to escalating demands to banish Chinese influence, to the detriment of Panama’s national sovereignty” – and I’m like, preach, Alonso, preach! It’s time for Panama to stand up for itself and tell the U.S. to back off. I mean, who’s with me on this? (On a completely unrelated note, has anyone tried that new Panamanian cuisine restaurant downtown? I heard it’s delicious.)
Anyway, where was I? Ah yes, Panama’s national sovereignty. So, Illueca suggests that Panama should align itself with the rules-based international order and seek to transcend the U.S.-China binary – and I’m like, amen to that, brother! It’s time for Panama to take a stand and assert its independence in the face of bullying from the U.S. (But, hey, who needs independence when you can just have puppet governments, right?)
In short, the way forward for Panama lies in replacing strategic dissonance with strategic clarity – and I’m like, couldn’t have said it better myself, Alonso! It’s time for Panama to take a clear stand and assert its national sovereignty in the face of U.S. aggression. (On a completely unrelated note, has anyone seen that new documentary on the Panama Canal? I heard it’s eye-opening.)
And, finally, I just want to say that I’m tired of all this nonsense. Can’t we all just get along and have world peace? (But, hey, who am I kidding? That’s just a pipe dream, right?)
But, seriously, folks, it’s time to wake up and smell the coffee. The U.S. is not going to stop bullying smaller countries until we stand up and say enough. So, let’s all just take a deep breath and say it together: no more! (On a completely unrelated note, has anyone tried that new stress relief technique? I heard it’s effective.)
And, on that note, I’m going to take a break and go grab a snack. This ranting business is exhausting! (But, hey, someone’s gotta do it, right?)