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Trump Tantrum Tuesday: Stocks Take a Dive, Nation Shrugs and Says ‘Same’
What's going on with the stock market, right? It's like a rollercoaster, and not the fun kind. The S&P 500 briefly entered bear market territory, which is just a fancy way of saying it fell 20% from its most recent high. And let's not forget the NASDAQ and the Dow Jones Industrial Average, which opened down 4.5% and 3.78% respectively. I mean, who needs stability, anyway? And then, there was that crazy rumor that Trump…
7 GOP Senators Suddenly Remember They Have Spines, Temporarily
I'm just so done with politics, but let's dive into this mess - 7 GOP senators have signed on to a bill that aims to limit Trump's trade authority, because who doesn't love a good game of constitutional chicken? And can we talk about how this is just a clear example of the "_separation of powers_" in action (or inaction, depending on how you look at it)? But, I mean, come on, 7 senators out…
Massive Gathering of People Who Still Can’t Believe They Have to Protest This Guy Again Planned for April 19
I'm just so done with all the protests, aren't you? Like, can't we all just get along? (Or can we?) Protest signs are literally taking over the world - or at least my social media feeds. Anyway, so there's this group, 50501, and they're all about organizing protests in all 50 states against President Donald Trump. Because, you know, one protest just isn't enough. And let's talk about the "Hands Off!" protests, shall we? I…
Trump Demands $92 Million Parade to Celebrate His Own Amazing Hair
I mean, can you believe this? The Trump administration is at it again, disregarding court orders like they're going out of style. And what's the reason this time? Oh, of course, it's all about barring those pesky "sanctuary" states from getting their hands on some much-needed FEMA funds. Because, you know, who needs help with natural disasters when you can just, you know, asaki your way through it? And let's talk about these poor states,…
Trump Demands 400-Mile Military Parade for His 79th Birthday, Complete with Tank Floats, Fighter Jet Waiters, and a Personal Apotheosis Ceremony
I'm just going to say it: President Donald Trump is planning a military parade in Washington, D.C. on his 79th birthday, because, why not? I mean, who needs world peace or a functioning government when you can have tanks and fighter jets, right? And, of course, it's going to be on the 250th anniversary of the U.S. Army, because that's not a blatant attempt to piggyback on a historic event or anything. But wait, it…
Trump Voters Experience Sudden Onset of ‘I Told You So’ Induced Face Palm Syndrome
Warning: rant incoming! So, I just read this article about how President Trump's tariffs are going to devastate rural America, and I am livid. Like, how can one person be so clueless about economics? (And don't even get me started on his hair.) But, I mean, seriously, the guy is basically declaring war on his own supporters. I guess that's what happens when you're a bully with a rich daddy. Anyway, China is retaliating with…
Trump Explodes Into Confetti and Rainbows After Reporter Asks Tariffs Question, Exclaims ‘I’m a Big Boy Now!’
I'm just so done with this guy, Donald Trump - can't he just answer a question without throwing a tantrum? And what's with the personal attacks on journalists, like Annmarie Hordern from Bloomberg? And I mean, come on, who asks "Who are you with?" to avoid answering a question - it's like, hello, we know you're trying to dodge the topic, but that's just not how it works, buddy. But, of course, he gets away…
Trump Proposes Novel Solution to Overcrowding in US Prisons: Just Ship Everyone to El Salvador, They Have Plenty of Space (and Zika)
I'm just going to say it: President Donald Trump has officially lost his mind. But, hey, what's new, right? (Can someone please explain to me why we're still talking about this guy?) Anyway, where was I? Ah yes, Trump wants to send American citizens to El Salvador's notorious super prison, because, you know, that's exactly what we need - more human rights violations. And let me just clarify, this isn't just about immigrants or non-citizens;…
Bill Ackman Tells Trump to Take a Timeout, Put Down the Tariff Tantrum Pacifier: ‘This is Not What We Voted For, Unless We Voted for Economic Chaos’
I'm about to lose my mind over this whole trade war debacle, and Bill Ackman's warning to Trump is just the icing on the cake - or should I say, the sprinkles on the ice cream sundae of chaos that is our current economic climate. Can someone please just hit the pause button already? But, I digress, because, let's be real, this trade war is like that one aunt at the family reunion - it…
Local Genius Brings Rifle to Anti-Trump Protest, Immediately Becomes Face of ‘Tolerance’ Movement
I'm still trying to wrap my head around this insane story, and I'm already fuming - can you believe it? A Trump supporter, because of course, decides to brandish an AR-style rifle at an anti-Trump protest in Indiana, because what could possibly go wrong, right? I mean, it's not like we've seen this exact scenario play out in a million terrible ways before. And let me get this straight - the guy gets out of…