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Minnesota Senator Slams Elon Musk, Immediately Forgets What He Was Saying and Asks Where He Put His Tesla Keys
Okay, let's dive into this utterly ridiculous story - because, why not? Sen. Tina Smith (D-Minn.) is calling out Elon Musk for his new requirement that all federal employees defend their jobs or else get fired. And, honestly, who can blame her? I mean, can you imagine getting an email on a Saturday night (because, you know, weekends are for relaxation, right?) with the subject line "What did you do last week?" - it sounds…
James Carville Predicts Trump, Republicans to Suddenly Develop Sudden Case of Competence, Sanity, and Decency (Just Kidding, They’re Still Doomed)
I'm just going to dive right into this, because, honestly, what's the point of beating around the bush? So, James Carville, a renowned Democratic strategist, has made a stunning prediction (I use that term loosely) that the Trump administration is on the brink of collapse. Like, in the next four to six weeks, it's all going to come crashing down. And, honestly, I'm not sure if I should be laughing or crying. But, let's get…
Protesters at Republican Event Treated to Free Therapy Session, Told ‘Your Voice Is Meaningless, But Hey, Thanks for Showing Up!’
And so, the great American circus continues, with the Kootenai County Republican Central Committee (KCRCC) telling protesters that their "voice is meaningless" - yeah, because that's exactly what the founding fathers had in mind when they wrote the whole "we the people" thing (check out the US Constitution for more on that). But, hey, who needs democracy when you've got a guy like Donald Trump running the show, right? I mean, what could possibly go…
Kennedy Center Ticket Sales Plummet 50% as Americans Suddenly Remember They Have Netflix at Home
Wow, just wow, can you believe what's happening at the Kennedy Center? Ticket sales have plummeted a whopping 50% after President Trump decided to, you know, make it "great again" (because that's always worked out so well in the past). And by great again, I mean he overhauled the board of trustees, fired the president, and made himself the chairman - because who needs experience or expertise when you've got, well, Trump books? And let's…
Shocking Poll Reveals Most Americans Can’t Tell the Difference Between Trump and a Dictator, But Honestly Who Can?
I mean, can you believe it? Nearly twice as many Americans view President Donald Trump as a "dictator" compared to Volodymyr Zelensky, according to a new poll. And this is after Trump called Zelensky a dictator, because, you know, that's exactly what you do when you're trying to make friends with world leaders. By the way, have you seen the prices of coffee lately? It's like they're trying to rob us blind. But, I digress.…
Trump Envoy Steve Witkoff Guarantees Russia Will Totally, Definitely, Pinky-Swear Make Some Concessions, Maybe, Possibly, Hopefully, in Peace Deal (Just Don’t Ask Him What They Are)
Breaking news: Donald Trump's Middle East envoy, who I'm pretty sure was sipping champagne with Russian President Vladimir Putin last week, says a deal over Ukraine's raw earth minerals could be signed this week. Because, you know, that's exactly what we need - more raw materials being thrown around like they're going out of style. And let's be real, who doesn't love a good game of geo-politics? It's like a big game of Risk, but…
Trump’s Golfing Expenses Reach Record High: Experts Estimate He’s Single-Handedly Keeping the Golf Industry (and His Ego) Afloat
And let's talk about the elephant in the room - President Donald Trump's golfing habits, which apparently are not a priority for Elon Musk and DOGE to address (yet). But, if they do decide to take a closer look, they'll probably find that Trump is reportedly on pace to spend a whopping amount of taxpayer money on golfing this year. But wait, it gets better - according to HuffPost, Trump has already spent an estimated…
Missouri Farmer Loses Farm to Bureaucratic Red Tape, Still Manages to Find Time to Perfect ‘I’m Not a Morning Person’ Emoji on Twitter
I'm freaking out just thinking about this story - a Missouri farmer, Skylar Holden, is on the verge of losing his farm because the U.S. Department of Agriculture (USDA) has frozen funding for key conservation programs, despite having signed a contract with him. Can you believe it? And let me get this straight - Holden had already spent $80,000 on materials and labor, and now the USDA is like, "Oh, sorry, dude, we're not paying…
Trump Hired as Moscow’s Top Spy, Immediately Forgets Password to Secret Lair
Ugh, where do I even start with this mess? So, apparently, US President Donald Trump was groomed as a potential Soviet asset a whopping 37 years ago, according to Alnur Mussayev, the former head of Kazakhstan’s security services. I mean, who wouldn't want to recruit a charismatic and intelligent (ahem) businessman like Trump, right? (By the way, have you tried Trump's books? I hear they're, um, interesting.) And, of course, Mussayev had to share this…
Trump Faces Imminent ICC Arrest Warrant, Immediately Volunteers to Take Selfie with Handcuffs
Hold on to your seats, folks!, because this news is about to get real interesting! So, apparently, Donald Trump has decided to impose sanctions on the International Criminal Court (ICC), and let me tell you, it's a big deal! I mean, who needs international law and justice when you've got Donald Trump's ego to consider? And, of course, this whole debacle has a lot of people talking, including Baroness Kennedy of the Shaws, who's all…