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Elon Musk Loses $111 Billion, But On the Bright Side, He Can Finally Relate to His Employees
Elon Musk, the world's richest man, just got a little poorer, and I'm not exactly shedding tears over here (no, really, I'm not crying myself to sleep at night thinking about poor Elon). But, I mean, $110.8 billion is a lot of money to lose in one day - that's like, um, a million times my annual salary (okay, maybe not that much, but it's still a lot). And, let's be real, this isn't exactly…
House Republicans Censure Rep. Al Green for Briefly Forgetting to Kiss Trump’s Ring
Because, of course, they did, the U.S. House voted 224-198 Thursday morning to censure Rep. Al Green, D-Texas, for interrupting Trump’s address to Congress Tuesday night - and I'm still trying to pick my jaw up from the floor. But, let's get real, who didn't see this coming? I mean, it's not like the Republicans have better things to do than bully a man for standing up for what he believes in. And, can we…
Elon Musk Shocked to Discover He Can’t Blame His Pet Monkey for DOGE Disaster This Time
I'm just going to say it, the federal government is basically bleeding jobs right now, with a whopping 62,242 announced cuts from 17 different agencies, according to Challenger. And let's be real, this is not just a minor setback, we're talking about a staggering 41,311 percent increase over 2024, which is just, wow. But wait, it gets even better, because apparently, the top reason for these job cuts is DOGE, which is responsible for a…
Breaking: John Roberts Discovers Sudden Onset of Moral Herpes After Years of Judicial Prostitution
Let's get real here, folks, the latest drama surrounding Chief Justice John Roberts is just too rich - I mean, who wouldn't want to be enjoying some Chick-fil-A while pretending to be a non-partisan justice? But, and this is a big but, it seems like Roberts got a rude awakening when Trump basically threw him under the bus by implying they had some kind of understanding - you know, like when you play the game…
Trump to Revoke Legal Status for 240,000 Ukrainians, Because Clearly They’re the Real Threat to America, Not His Hairpiece
As I'm writing this, I'm sipping on my fifth coffee of the day, trying to wrap my head around the latest news that's making me question the sanity of the world - Trump to revoke legal status for 240,000 Ukrainians as the US steps up deportations, because, you know, we didn't have enough to worry about already. And let's be real, who needs stability and security when we can just revoke people's legal status and…
Zelensky Breaks World Record for Most Thank Yous in a Row, America’s Ears Still Bleeding
Are you kidding me with this story? So, let's get this straight - Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky visits the White House, and instead of having a productive meeting with President Donald Trump and Vice President JD Vance, it turns into a giant argument. I mean, who doesn't love a good yelling match in the Oval Office, right? (Check out the details of the meeting for yourself). And what's the reason for this fight, you ask?…
Canada Declares War on American Booze: ‘We’re Not Mad, We’re Just Allowing Our Livers to Recover from the Election’
And let's talk about the absolute disaster that is the trade war between the US and Canada - I mean, who needs Donald Trump and his tariff-filled dreams, right? (Can someone please explain to me why we're still dealing with this guy?) But I guess that's what you get when you have a trade war on your hands - it's like a bad recipe for disaster, and everyone's just along for the wild ride. Anyway,…
Trump’s ‘Transgender’ Mice Experiments Uncover Shocking Link Between Whiskers and Winning So Bigly
Let's get one thing straight - President Donald Trump‘s speech to Congress was a masterclass in how to spew utter nonsense and still manage to keep a straight face. I mean, who needs facts when you've got an audience eating out of the palm of your hand, right? And among the many, many lies and distortions, one claim stood out - the so-called Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) supposedly uncovering an outrageous expenditure authorized by…
Breaking: DOGE Staffers’ Salaries Revealed to be Entirely Made Up of Belly Rubs and Endless Praise, Totally Not Millions of Dollars
And let's get this straight - Elon Musk's Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) is a complete and utter joke, right? I mean, who needs transparency when you can just claim your staffers work for free and then pay them six-figure salaries on the down low? It's like, what's the point of even having a Department of Government Efficiency if you're just going to be inefficient and secretive about it? But seriously, can we talk about…
Outrage as Al Green Gets Booted from Congress for Protesting, Meanwhile Republicans Still Allowed to Breathe
And so, the drama unfolds in the hallowed halls of Congress, where the esteemed Representative Al Green was forcibly removed from President Donald Trump's address for protesting Medicaid cuts - because, you know, free speech is only allowed if you're a Republican (or so it seems). But, I mean, who needs consistency in applying the rules, right? (check out the history of Trump's antics for more on this). Now, let's take a trip down memory…