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Trump Cracks Under Pressure, Blames Eggs for His Hair Loss and Financial Ruin
I am just so done with these politicians and their empty promises - can't they just make up their minds for once? Donald Trump is a perfect example, folks, and let me tell you why. He promised to cut the cost of groceries on his first day in office - yeah, right, because that's exactly how economics works. But now, with egg prices skyrocketing (I mean, who can afford record highs of $4.95 a dozen?),…
Pete Hegseth Demands Ban on toaster because it has a ‘Diverse’ Setting and an ‘Equity’ of Toasting Time
I'm going to rip apart this so-called "news" article and show you what's really going on here. So, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth thinks he's not a racist or a misogynist, but his actions say otherwise. He's all about creating a Pentagon that's "laser-focused on warfighting, lethality, meritocracy, standards, and readiness," but what he really means is that he wants to make sure only straight white Christian men are in charge. And don't even get me…
Republicans Develop Sudden Case of ‘Town Hall-Induced Agoraphobia’ as Democrats Flood Meetings with Actual Human Beings
Republican lawmakers are running away from their constituents, dodging town halls like they're avoiding the plague (which, let's be real, their policies might actually cause). But, on the other hand, LGBTQ+ Democrats are doing the exact opposite - they're out here hosting town halls, listening to voters, and being actual representatives of the people (what a concept!). And, let me tell you, it's not like these town halls are poorly attended. No, Rep. Emily Randall's…
Trump Unveils New Economic Plan: ‘Just Cluck It and Deal with $10 Omelets’
I mean, can you believe this? The President is literally telling voters to shut up about egg prices, and I'm over here wondering if I'm living in some kind of bizarre, absurdist novel. And, honestly, who needs policy discussions when you can just tell people to pipe down? But, let's get real for a second - have you seen the prices of eggs lately? I'm talking Bloomberg levels of crazy here, with egg prices surging…
AOC and Republican Rep Unite to Make Credit Card Companies Weep: Bill Aims to Reduce Interest Rates to a Whopping 10% (Still High Enough to Bankrupt Your Soul)
Let's talk about the utterly ridiculous state of credit card interest rates in this country - I mean, who needs that kind of stress, right? We've got two congresswomen, Anna Paulina Luna and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, who are actually working together to try and cap these rates at 10% - because, you know, 28.71% is just insane. I mean, can you even imagine paying that much interest on your credit card debt? It's like they're trying…
Tim Walz Admits He and Harris Were So ‘Safe’ in 2024 Campaign, They Put Entire Nation to Sleep
Can you believe it? Tim Walz, the governor of Minnesota, is saying that he and Kamala Harris played it too safe during their 2024 election campaign. I mean, Kamala Harris is a great candidate, but safe? That's like saying I'm a professional snail trainer (just to clarify, I'm not). Anyway, according to Politico, Walz thinks they should have held more in-person events around the US. Because, you know, nothing says "connecting with voters" like a…
Man Trips Over Own Feet, Blames Society for Not Providing Adequate Warning Signs
I'm still trying to wrap my head around this absurd story, and I'm already on my third cup of coffee - because, clearly, I need it. JD Vance, the U.S. Vice President, claims he was chased by a crowd of demonstrators, but eyewitnesses are calling BS on that one. Ann Henry, a demonstrator who was there, said no one was chasing JD Vance, despite his claims to the contrary - politics at its finest. And…
Donald Trump Just Won Nobel Prize in Economics, Universe Suddenly Implodes
I'm sitting here, sipping on my coffee, trying to make sense of the utter chaos that is our current reality. We're basically stuck in some kind of bizarre waiting room, where Trump and his minions are telling us what to expect, but also sending out mixed signals like they're trying to confuse us on purpose. I mean, Project 2025 sounds like something out of a dystopian novel, but hey, maybe it's just a coincidence, right?…
Access Denied: Because Clearly You’re Not Cool Enough for Our Website
I'm having a blast trying to access this super secretive article on US military exercises in Europe, but it's like they're playing a game of hide and seek with me - and I'm not amused. And, by the way, have you ever tried to make sense of an error code explanation? It's like trying to decipher a secret language. But, I digress, and my frustration is boiling over like a pot of coffee left unattended…
Trump Spends $18m of Taxpayers’ Money on Golf, Still Can’t Get Out of the Rough (or the Red)
Can you believe it? Less than two months after returning to the White House, Donald Trump has reportedly played golf on 13 of the 48 days he has been back in office — and the cost of those trips to Florida has been mounting, because, you know, who needs to work when you can play golf? (By the way, have you seen the prices of golf balls on Amazon? Crazy!) And, by the way, it's…