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Trump Claims Election Was Rigged, Immediately Forgets He Won
Are you kidding me? We've got a supposed quote from U.S. President Donald Trump saying "They rigged the election, and I became president" and people are losing their minds trying to figure out which election he's talking about. (Because, you know, it's not like he's made similar claims before or anything). And let's be real, who doesn't love a good conspiracy theory to spice up their day? I mean, it's not like we have better…
Nation Horrified: 250,000 People Actually Think a Petition Will Stop Donald Trump from Doing Whatever He Wants
Are you kidding me? A petition to impeach President Donald Trump has gained over 250,000 signatures, and I'm just sitting here wondering, what's taking Congress so long to get on board? (By the way, have you tried searching for impeachment books on Amazon? It's a wild ride). And let's talk about Free Speech for People, the nonprofit behind this petition. They're like the superheroes we need, fighting for our democracy and all that jazz. But,…
Trump Finds Brilliant Solution to Hunger Problem: Let Them Eat Border Walls
Can you believe this? The Department of Agriculture just slashed over $1 billion in funding for schools and food banks to purchase from local farmers, because, you know, feeding children and supporting local farmers is so last season. But, and I mean big but, what's the point of having a department of agriculture if not to support agriculture? (I mean, seriously, what's next?) The School Nutrition Association is all up in arms about this, and…
Judge Orders DOGE to Spill the Treats, Citing Its ‘Paws-itively’ Excessive Hoarding of Squeaky Toys
Breaking News: The US District Judge Christopher Cooper has finally decided to put his foot down and order the Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) to release some records, because, you know, transparency is key, right? But, let's be real, it's not like they were being super secretive or anything (note the heavy sarcasm). I mean, who needs transparency when you can have opaque government agencies? And, might I add, it's about time someone took a…
Trump Declares War on Ontario’s Electric Bills, Claims ‘My Hairdryer is a National Security Issue’
And let's get this straight, because apparently, someone needs to tell Donald Trump that Canada is, in fact, a separate country with its own government and rules. But no, he thinks he can just dictate what Ontario can and can't do? Give me a break. Trump claims that Ontario is "not allowed" to slap a surcharge on electricity sent to U.S. states, because, you know, he's an expert on everything, including electricity trading between countries.…
Trump’s First 50 Days: Stocks Tanking, But His Hair Remains Resilient, a Miracle Since the Dawn of Time
And let's talk about Trump's first 50 days in office, which have been a total disaster for the stock market, but hey, who needs a stable economy, right? But seriously, the stocks are heading towards the worst start to a presidential term since 2009, because, you know, experts (or as I like to call them, the so-called experts) predicted a different outcome. But what's really surprising is that anyone is surprised by this, I mean,…
Trump Demands MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow and Nicolle Wallace Be ‘Forced to Resign’ and Replace Them with His Cousin Larry and a Magic 8-Ball
I'm just so done with the latest drama, CNN is reporting that Trump is now demanding MSNBC's Rachel Maddow and Nicolle Wallace be 'forced to resign', because, you know, that's exactly how freedom of speech works, right? (Or not). And can we just take a moment to appreciate the sheer absurdity of this request, I mean, who does Trump think he is, the king of the world or something? But, let's get real for a…
Elon Musk’s Latest Innovation: Turning His Fortune into Ashes, One Stock Dive at a Time
Let's talk about Elon Musk, the guy who's apparently trying to do a million things at once and failing miserably. I mean, have you seen his X feed lately? It's like a crazy person's notebook - a mix of Trump fanboy posts, Tesla ads, and what can only be described as the ramblings of a madman. But hey, who needs sanity when you're trying to sell cars, right? I mean, Musk posted a TikTok of…
In a Shocking Turn of Events, Humans Managed to Mess Everything Up in Under 30 Days (Again)
Let's talk about the stock market, shall we? Because, apparently, it's been having a great time since President Donald Trump took office - said no one ever. I mean, who needs a stable economy when you can have a president who seems to be playing a game of stock market simulation with the country's future? (And, by the way, has anyone noticed how his hair looks like a bird's nest after a tornado?) But, seriously,…
Billionaires Who Partied with Trump at Inauguration Now $210 Billion Lighter, Totally Worth It for the Free Champagne and Ego Boost
I'm still trying to wrap my head around this billionaires nonsense, but apparently, the rich folks who attended Trump's swearing-in have lost a cool $210 billion since then - and I'm not shedding any tears, (who needs that kind of money anyway?). But what's really going on here, is it just a case of karma or something more sinister at play? And let's be real, $210 billion is a lot of cash, even for billionaires…