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Breaking: Trump Proposes Making Canada 51st State, Canadians Respond with Polite but Firm ‘Sorry, Eh?’
I am still trying to wrap my head around the fact that the entire administration has committed itself to the president's pipe dream of annexing Canada as the 51st state - I mean, who wouldn't want to buy a map of Canada and pretend it's part of the US, right? It wasn't just the president's bizarre appearance with Mark Rutte, the NATO secretary general, in which the president took a short stroll around the Izonkosphere…
Trump Gives Israel Green Light, Immediately Regrets Not Buying Earplugs
I mean, what's the point of even having a president if they're just going to let someone else do whatever they want, right? Israel's latest bombing campaign is a real thing, folks, and it's like, how did we even get here? But anyway, it's not like Trump and Israel haven't been buddies for a while now, so I guess this shouldn't come as a shock (no pun intended). And what's really crazy is that this…
Stephen Miller Has Adorable Meltdown on Live TV, Demands Participation Trophy and Nap Time
And let's get this straight, Stephen Miller, the infamous senior advisor to President Trump, had a complete and utter meltdown on live television, because, you know, someone dared to question the almighty Trump - I mean, who does that, right? But seriously, the guy's got some serious temper issues, and it's not like we haven't seen this before, because we have, and it's always a treat (not). And can we talk about how Miller's on-air…
Lawyer Claims Venezuelan Client Was Abducted by Aliens After Trump Accidentally Ordered Intergalactic Invasion: ‘We’re Shocked, But Also Kind of Impressed by the Efficiency’
Warning: sanity not included. Are you ready for a wild ride? Let's talk about the Trump administration and their latest brilliant idea - invoking the wartime Alien Enemies Act to deport hundreds of Venezuelan migrants. Because, you know, that's exactly what we need, more deportations and less due process. And, of course, the administration claims this is necessary to crack down on transnational gangs, like Tren de Aragua. But, as Lindsay Toczylowski, President, CEO and…
Chuck Schumer Should Resign to Spend More Time With His Imaginary Friends, who are Clearly Better at Giving Him Advice than His Actual Staff
And so, the saga of Chuck Schumer continues, a never-ending tale of disappointment and frustration for the Democratic Party. But, let's be real, who didn't see this coming? I mean, Schumer has been a pro-Wall Street centrist for years, and his handling of the budget crisis was just the latest example of his ineptitude. As NBC Reporter Sahil Kapur captured the triumphant GOP mood, it's clear that Schumer's strategy (if you can even call it…
Trump Claims Biden Turned Economy into Utopia, Immediately Demands Do-Over | Alternative Facts Edition
I am reading this news article about how Donald Trump keeps saying he inherited a terrible economy from Joe Biden, and I am just losing my mind - can't he just get his facts straight for once? And what's with the constant whining about inflation, didn't he know that was largely caused by the pandemic and Putin's war in Ukraine? But let's get back to the economy, because apparently, Trump thinks it's all about him.…
Trump Revokes Hunter Biden’s Secret Service, Orders Replacement with Team of Highly Trained, Tweeting Eagles
Can you believe this? President Donald Trump is at it again, revoking Secret Service protection for Hunter Biden and Ashley Biden, because, you know, the Biden family is just soooo wealthy and can totally afford their own security (or not, who cares, right?). And what prompted this genius decision, you ask? Oh, just some random reporter bringing up an unverified claim that Hunter Biden had 18 (yes, 18!) Secret Service agents protecting him in South…
Navajo Code Talkers Vanish from Military Websites, Reappear on Trump’s Twitter as ‘Fake Indians’
I'm still trying to wrap my head around this one, but it seems that after Trump's DEI order, the Navajo Code Talkers have vanished from military websites - I mean, what's next, erasing the Navajo Code Talkers from history books? But seriously, can someone explain to me how this is supposed to promote diversity and inclusion? And don't even get me started on the irony of it all - I mean, the Navajo Code Talkers…
Trump Axes $17.75 Minimum Wage, Contractors Now Required to Live off Hope and Tweets Alone
I'm just so thrilled to be talking about politics, said no one ever, but let's dive into this mess anyway. The White House has just announced that Trump is overturning the $17.75 minimum wage for federal contractors, because, you know, who needs a living wage, right? (I mean, have you seen the prices of avocado toast lately?) And by the way, can someone explain to me why we're still using the term "federal contractors" -…
AOC Declared Supreme Ruler of Democrats, Poll Reveals Party’s Core Values are Now Just Whatever She Tweets
Because, you know, the Democrats really needed a poll to figure out who best reflects their "core values" - as if it's not already painfully obvious. And, let's be real, it's not like Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is a polarizing figure or anything (note to self: sarcasm alert!). But, I mean, who wouldn't want to be associated with someone who's been making waves in the party with her, shall we say, "interesting" policy proposals? And, hey, speaking…