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Elon Musk Feigns Surprise That People Hate Him, Vandalize Teslas, Water Cooler in Break Room Still Unaccounted For
Let's talk about the absolute chaos that is Elon Musk and his recent rant about anti-Tesla vandalism. I mean, who wouldn't want to vandalize a Tesla, right? (Just kidding, that's not cool, kids.) But seriously, Musk is blaming the political left for the vandalism, because of course he is. And let's be real, the guy has a point - there have been some pretty wild incidents of vandalism against Tesla dealerships and vehicles. Like, who…
Tim Walz Reveals His Secret to Happiness: Watching Tesla Stock Go Up and His Approval Ratings Go Down
I'm still trying to wrap my head around this, but apparently, Tim Walz, the governor of Minnesota, has found a way to 'boost his mood' - and it's not by, I don't know, helping his constituents or something, but by looking at Tesla stock Tesla's official website. Because, you know, nothing says 'mood booster' like watching the stock prices of a company that's been known to be, shall we say, a bit volatile Tesla's stock…
Trump Signs Executive Order Calling for Immediate Shutdown of Education Department, Suddenly Remembers He Can’t Read
Breaking News: President Donald Trump is finally doing something about the so-called "Department of Education" - and by "doing something," I mean he's trying to shut it down (because, you know, education is overrated). According to a White House official, Trump plans to sign an executive order to dismantle the department, because who needs education, anyway? I mean, it's not like it's a fundamental right or anything. But let's get real, Trump has been trying…
Tesla Plummets After Commerce Secretary Gives Investment Advice, Because That’s Exactly What You Want: Financial Tips from a Bureaucrat
I mean, what's next, right? The Commerce secretary is just casually recommending that people buy Tesla stock, and we're all supposed to just jump on the bandwagon? But, let's be real, who needs financial advisors when you have a government official telling you what to do with your money? (I'm just waiting for the day they recommend investing in pet rocks). And, can we talk about the logic behind this recommendation? I'm no financial expert…
Bannon Reveals Top-Secret Plan to Make Trump President for Life, or at Least Until He Finishes His Second Helping of Cheez-Its
Because, you know, the world wasn't already a crazy enough place, Steve Bannon, the former White House chief strategist, is now talking about President Donald Trump running for a third term in 2028. I mean, who needs things like "term limits" and "the Constitution" when you've got a good thing going, right? (Or should I say, when you've got a bad thing going and you want to make it worse?) And let's not forget, Bannon…
Breaking: Schumer Faces Mounting Pressure to Abdicate Throne, Take Up Gardening or Something
I'm just going to dive right in here and say it: Chuck Schumer is in hot water, and I'm not just talking about the coffee I spilled all over my shirt this morning (which, by the way, is a real challenge to get out). And let's be real, it's not like we didn't see this coming - I mean, have you seen the state of the House Democrats lately? It's like a bad reality TV…
Trump ‘Paving Over’ White House Rose Garden to Install Giant Reflecting Pool for His Ego
I'm just going to lose it if I have to read one more article about Donald Trump and his latest antics - this time, his plan to pave over the Rose Garden at the White House, because, you know, what's a little historic garden when you've got a ego the size of a small planet? (Can someone please explain to me why we're still talking about this guy?) And let's be real, who needs a…
Breaking: White House Caught Lying Again, But Honestly, Who’s Keeping Track At This Point?
And so, we have another episode of "Fact-Checking Karoline Leavitt," the White House Press Secretary who seems to have a knack for, shall we say, "creative" statements. I mean, who needs facts when you're trying to defend the indefensible, right? But, hey, at least she's consistent - consistently wrong, that is. Let's dive into the latest mess, shall we? During a press briefing, Leavitt was asked about Trump's attempt to impeach federal Judge James Boasberg,…
RFK Jr. Proposes Ingenious Solution to Bird Flu: ‘Let’s Just Wait Until All the Sick Birds Die, Then We’ll Breed the Survivors with Chuck Norris’
Are you kidding me? RFK Jr. has just unveiled a plan to combat bird flu that's completely insane. He thinks we should just let the bird flu spread unchecked and see which birds are immune. Because, you know, that's exactly what we need - more bird flu. I mean, who needs vaccines or treatments when we can just let the disease run its course? And don't even get me started on the logic behind this…
Local Man Still Convinced He Made Great Decision, Wife’s Deportation to Guatemala Just a ‘Minor Side Effect’
And I'm still trying to wrap my head around this insane story - a man who voted for President Donald Trump says he doesn't regret his decision, even after his wife was arrested by federal immigration authorities. I mean, what's next, people? But let's dive deeper into this ridiculous situation - Bradley Bartell's wife, Camila Muñoz, is a Peruvian citizen who overstayed her initial visa, but was working towards obtaining permanent residency in the United…