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Elon Musk Declares Galactic War on Pentagon Leakers, Demands They Be Launched into Space with Nothing but a Tesla and a Charging Cable
Wow, just what we needed, another Elon Musk drama-filled day, because, you know, the guy doesn't have enough on his plate, what with running Tesla and SpaceX into the ground, I mean, into the stratosphere. But, I mean, seriously, who threatens Pentagon staff, and over what, a little "false information" leak to The New York Times? Is this guy for real? (By the way, have you seen the prices of Tesla stock lately? Wild ride,…
Tim Walz’s Sanity Plummets as He Claims Tesla’s Crashing Stock Price is Actually a ‘Boost’ to His Clearly Fragile Ego
I'm just going to dive right into this, because, honestly, where do I even begin? Tim Walz, the governor of Minnesota, and former Democratic vice-presidential nominee, has made a joke about Tesla's stock price plunging, and I am HERE. FOR. IT. But, and this is a big but, did he really think that joke was going to fly without any backlash? I mean, come on, the man is a politician, not a stand-up comedian. And,…
Valimont Hosts Town Hall, Crowd Consists of His Mom and a Confused Jimmy Patronis Who Thought There Would Be Free Donuts
Can you believe it? Gay Valimont, the Democratic nominee for Florida's 1st Congressional District seat, has just announced that her campaign has raised a whopping $6.7 million (check out the original article for more info). And let me tell you, it's a big deal! I mean, who wouldn't want to donate to a campaign that's all about flipping a deeply red seat blue? It's like, the ultimate politics book come true! But, of course, Valimont's…
Biden Admin Forced to Choose Between Funding Social Security or Buying Enough Dogecoin to Make Elon Musk Smile
I mean, seriously, what is going on here? Donald Trump's interim Social Security chief is threatening to shut down the entire Social Security agency if Elon Musk and his so-called Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) can't access the sensitive personal information of hundreds of millions of Americans. Because, you know, that's exactly what we need - more efficiency in our government, said no one ever. And let's be real, who needs Social Security benefits anyway?…
Feds Boot Soccer Star for Alleged ‘Heart Hands’ Gang Activity, Because Who Needs Love When You Can Have Deportation?
And can you believe the latest absurdity from the US government? They've deported a professional soccer player, Jerce Reyes Barrios, to El Salvador under the Aliens Enemy Act, based on a tattoo and a hand gesture he made in a photo on social media - I mean, what's next? But let's get to the juicy part: the tattoo, which allegedly links him to the Tren de Aragua gang, is actually a soccer ball with a…
MAGA Republican Justin Eichorn Resigns to Pursue New Career as Poster Child for ‘Alternative’ Moral Values
Minnesota - where the nice people live, or so I thought - has just had its fair share of drama, and I'm still trying to wrap my head around it, but I'll try to break it down for you, because, why not? And, apparently, one of their state senators, Justin Eichorn, has resigned after being arrested for trying to solicit a minor for prostitution - yeah, you read that right, minor - which, I'm pretty…
Trump’sLatest Face-Plant: Education Dept. Still Exists, Much to His Surprise
I'm literally shaking with rage as I write this, because the latest news is just too much to handle - the Education Department has been saved, and I'm like, what even is the point of anything anymore? But, and I mean BIGLY, this is a major slap in the face for Trump, who was trying to dismantle the entire department. And can we just take a moment to appreciate the absurdity of it all? I…
Republican Rep’s Endorsement of Elon Musk Hailed as Brave Attempt to Get Retweeted by a Billionaire
I'm seriously questioning the sanity of the Democratic National Committee right now, because they've just announced that they're putting up billboards in Republican districts, and I'm like, what's next, sending out carrier pigeons to spread the word? But, apparently, these billboards are going to be in Arizona, Colorado, Florida, Iowa, Michigan, Missouri, Nebraska, and Pennsylvania, because you know, that's exactly what people need, more signs telling them what to do. And, can we just take…
Jon Stewart Loses Mind: Why Won’t Democrats Stop My Grandma from Investing Entire Pension in Dogecoin
And can you believe it, Jon Stewart is finally saying what we're all thinking - Democrats are dropping the ball, and it's making him (and me, and probably you too) incredibly frustrated! I mean, what's going on here, are they just going to sit back and let Elon Musk run amok with his DOGE shenanigans? (Can someone please explain to me why we're still talking about DOGE, by the way?) But let's get back to…
Dems Frantically Searching for Anyone Not Totally Embarrassing, AOC Raises Hand and They’re Like ‘Good Enough’
Are you kidding me? Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, the supposed "future of the Democratic party", is being considered for a leadership role? I mean, I love her book and all, but come on! Some Democrats are actually thinking she could be the one to take on President Donald Trump and her own party's establishment - because, you know, that's exactly what the party needs, more infighting. And, apparently, her ability to connect with the younger generation…