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Commerce Secretary Assures Nation: Only Totally Not At All Legitimate Grandmas Would Whine About Not Getting Their Social Security Checks
I mean, who needs Social Security checks anyway, right? It's not like people are living off them or anything (no, really, who needs that kind of stability?). And Commerce Secretary, Wilbur Ross, is basically saying that if you're complaining about not getting your check, you're probably a fraudster. Yeah, because that's exactly what I want to hear from a government official - that I'm a scam artist if I'm having trouble getting my benefits. But…
Trump Reveals Plan for World Domination, Allies Not Included (But They’re Invited to the After-Party)
Because what the world really needs is more of Trump's brilliant ideas, he's decided to save the Afrikaners, a white minority in South Africa, from the land expropriation law that's totally not about addressing decades of apartheid and white minority rule. I mean, who needs to address historical injustices when you can just resettle a bunch of white people in the U.S. and call it a day? And let's be real, the fact that Elon…
Trump Surpasses All Presidents in Modern History in Epic Failures, Historians Left Wondering How He Managed to NOT Get Lost in the Oval Office
Breaking news: Donald Trump's net approval rating is historically bad - and not in a "I'm-going-to-make-history" kind of way, but more like a "I'm-going-to-make-a-mockery-of-the-entire-concept-of-presidential-approval-ratings" kind of way. But, I mean, who needs a decent approval rating when you've got a fantastic collection of MAGA hats, right? And by "decent approval rating," I mean anything above, say, -2, which is where Trump is currently sitting - a whopping minus 2! You know, it's not like…
Elon Musk Reveals Shocking Truth: Tesla Cars Spontaneously Combust Due to Excessive Exposure to Pronoun Correctness
Let's talk about the latest saga involving Elon Musk, the billionaire CEO of Tesla, and his daughter Vivian Jenna Wilson. Because, you know, it's not like we have better things to discuss, like the meaning of life or something. But no, let's dive into the drama-filled world of Elon Musk, who apparently thinks he's some kind of expert on trans issues now. I mean, who needs actual expertise when you have a Twitter account, right?…
Elon Musk Threatens Pentagon Employees with Forced Tesla Test Drives After Leaked Meeting: ‘They Will Be Charged…and Not Just Their Cars’
I'm about to dive into this crazy story, and I'm already feeling a mix of emotions - frustration, sarcasm, and a pinch of humor. Let's get started! And, by the way, who needs a filter when you have caffeine tablets to keep you going? But, I digress. The essence of this article is that Elon Musk is not happy - and when he's not happy, nobody's happy. He's been warning the Pentagon employees that the…
J.D. Vance Shatters Records as America’s Most Tepidly Tolerated Vice President in Modern History (But Hey, At Least He Shows Up Sometimes)
I'm just so done with all the drama surrounding J.D. Vance's vice presidency, and I'm not even going to get into the whole Kamala Harris situation right now, because let's be real, that's a whole other can of worms. But what I want to know is, what's up with Vance's favorability ratings being worse than Harris's at the same two-month mark? Like, I get it, he's trying to emulate Trump's style, but newsflash: it's not…
Trump Loses Last Marble After Discovering Elon Musk Now Controls His Twitter Toilet
I mean, seriously, who needs a functioning Department of Education, right? And what's the worst that could happen if we just dismantle the whole thing and let the states figure it out on their own? I'm sure it's not like we'll end up with a bunch of uneducated masses wandering around, wondering what hit them. But, hey, Trump knows what he's doing, right? I mean, he's a businessman, so he must know a thing or…
Trump Vows to Send Tesla Vandals to Heck, Then Realizes He’s Not in Charge of El Salvador (Or Reality) Anymore
What is wrong with this guy? President Donald Trump is at it again, threatening to send people who vandalize Tesla cars or dealerships to the supposedly notorious prisons of El Salvador for a whopping 20-year sentence - because, you know, that's exactly what the US Constitution says, right? (Or not.) And let's not forget, Trump stated that people who get caught sabotaging Elon Musk's precious Tesla vehicles will "stand a very good chance of going…
Trump Proposes New 5-Star Resort-Prison in El Salvador, Complete with Mandatory Tesla Detailing for Inmates
I'm still trying to wrap my head around the fact that President Donald Trump thinks it's a good idea to send people who attack Tesla to prisons in El Salvador. And, no, I'm not joking - he actually suggested this on his Truth Social platform. But, I mean, who needs human rights when you can just ship people off to a foreign country, right? (Or, as I like to call it, "Trump's version of a…
“I’m a Glutton for Punishment”: Why Most Trump Voters Still Think He’s the Best Thing Since Sliced Bread, Despite Being Personally Responsible for Their Bankruptcy, Divorce, and Cheeto-Stained Couch
So, I'm reading this insane story about Bradley Bartell, a guy from Wisconsin whose wife, Camila Muñoz, is being detained by Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) - and I'm just thinking, what is wrong with people? But, I mean, let's get real here, Trump did promise to deport everyone like Muñoz starting "day one," so... And, I guess, it's not like Bartell didn't know this was a possibility when he voted for Trump, right? I…