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Elon Musk’s Approval Rating Has Finally Reached the Depths of His Ego’s Basement, Polls Confirm
Warning: rant ahead! I just can't even right now, folks. I'm looking at the latest news on Elon Musk, and I'm just shaking my head. According to Democrats, his approval rating is "falling through the floor". And honestly, I'm not surprised. I mean, have you seen the way he's been acting lately? It's like he's trying to be the most polarizing figure in the world. But let's get back to the numbers. CNN's chief data…
BREAKING: Hegseth Reveals His Secret War Plans Were Actually Just Recipes for Chicken Parmesan, Calls Atlantic Editor ‘Saucy-McScoopFace’
I'm just going to say it: our government officials are a bunch of incredible individuals, and by incredible, I mean incredibly incompetent. I mean, who needs alternative facts when you can just leak national security secrets on a group chat? Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth is basically the poster child for this kind of exceptional behavior. And don't even get me started on the leaked plans for U.S. airstrikes on Yemen - I mean, who needs…
AOC Seeks To Broaden Her Appeal By Wearing Slightly Less Radical Pantsuits, Hopes To Lead Democratic Party Into utopian Future of Free Avocados and Mandatory Participation Trophies
Let's get real for a second, shall we? I mean, who doesn't love a good underdog story, right? Well, Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is definitely making waves in the Democratic party, and I'm not just talking about her best-selling books (although, let's be real, those are probably worth a read). No, I'm talking about her fearless attitude and willingness to take on the big dogs (or should I say, big oligarchs?). But, and I mean big…
Trump Team Accidentally Sends War Plans to Jeffrey Goldberg, Assumes He’s the New Head of the Joint Chiefs (Honestly, It’s Not Like It’s the First Time)
I'm just going to dive right into this National Security debacle, because, honestly, who needs a gentle introduction when you have a story like this? So, apparently, Trump's top security aide (yes, that's a real thing) accidentally added a journalist to a group chat, and I'm assuming they were all just casually discussing their favorite national security books or something. But, of course, things quickly took a turn for the worse, because why would anything…
Trump Officials Still Talking About Hillary’s Email Server: Because Clearly That’s the Biggest Threat to National Security (and Not, Say, Anything They’ve Done)
And so it begins, another day, another scandal, another opportunity for the Trump administration to show us all how to mismanage classified information (can I get a popcorn maker to go with this circus?). But, seriously, who needs Signal when you have a CNN montage to expose your hypocrisy? I mean, come on, Hillary Clinton was dragged over the coals for her private email server, and now we find out that the Trump administration is…
Pete Hegseth Denies Accusations of Texting War Plans to Journalist, Claims He Was Just Asking for Chicken Recipe Advice
I'm still trying to wrap my head around this whole debacle, but apparently, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth is in hot water over some allegedly leaked war plans - because, you know, that's exactly what you want to see in a national security team: careless texting habits. I mean, who needs cryptography when you've got Signal, right? (Or so I've heard, I'm no expert, but I do know that's not how you keep secrets). And let's…
‘If This Doesn’t Get You Promoted to CEO, You’re Probably Not Wearing Enough Jeans to Work’
Are you kidding me? Demands for the resignation of US Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth are flooding social media, and honestly, it's about time someone took responsibility for this mess. I mean, who shares classified military plans via text message to a group chat? And not just any group chat, but one that includes Jeffrey Goldberg of The Atlantic, who, might I add, is not exactly known for his discretion. And let's not forget the content…
Congress Erupts Over Trump Admin Signal Leak: “Panicked Interns Ordered to Roll Heads Down the Hill to See if They Bounce”
And what's the latest scandal to rock the nation? You guessed it, another Trump administration leak, because who needs secrecy when you have Signal, right? (I mean, who even uses Signal, it's like, a super secure messaging app, not exactly the most transparent thing in the world). But I digress, the real question is, how did this happen? Was it a rogue employee, a scheming Russian spy, or just a clumsy intern who spilled the…
IRS Calculates America’s DOGE-astrophic Loss: $500 Billion Down the Toilet, or as We Call It, ‘Tuesday’
Okay, let's get this trainwreck started! The IRS is projecting a whopping $500 billion loss in tax revenue by April 15th, all thanks to the glorious disruptions caused by DOGE (no, not the t-shirts, although those are pretty cool too). I mean, who needs that kind of money, right? It's not like it's going to affect, say, non-defense discretionary spending, which is just a fancy way of saying "all the stuff we actually care about,…
BREAKING: Trump Administration Accidentally Tweets Its War Plans, Immediately Deletes and Claims It Was Just a ‘Strategy’ to Confuse Enemies (and Also to Get More Followers)
Wow, just wow! I'm still trying to wrap my head around the sheer audacity of this story. I mean, who needs classified government systems when you have Signal, right? (And by the way, can we talk about how Pete Hegseth seems to be at the center of all this?) Anyway, let's dive into the nitty-gritty of this wild ride. Apparently, our intrepid author received a mysterious connection request on Signal from a user claiming to…