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The Completely Normal and Not-at-All-Incriminating Signal Chat That We Totally Didn’t Leak on Purpose
I'm still trying to wrap my head around this absolute mess, and I'm not even sure where to begin - Signal has been compromised, or so it seems, and I'm over here questioning everything I thought I knew about online security. But, I guess that's what happens when you're dealing with encrypted messaging apps, right? And, apparently, this leaked chat has all the tea. And, let's get real, this is not exactly what I'd…
Shocking Leak Reveals Hegseth’s Secret Texts, Proving He’s Actually a Human Being Capable of Sending More Than 0 Messages
Are you kidding me? So, let me get this straight - the top officials in the Trump administration, including the President himself, were casually discussing wartime strategies on a Signal group chat, and we're supposed to believe that this is no big deal? (I mean, who doesn't love a good game of "let's discuss classified information on an unsecured messaging app"?). And then, to make matters worse, they have the audacity to deny it, only…
Pete Hegseth’s Home State Newspaper Publishes Desperate Plea for Him to Please, for the Love of All Things Good, Stop Talking
Can you believe this guy, Pete Hegseth, the Defense Secretary from Minnesota, is in hot water again, and this time it's not just about his -questionable leadership skills. He's facing pressure to resign over a Signal group chat where "war plans" were discussed, because, you know, that's exactly what you want to do with sensitive information - share it on a messaging app. But wait, it gets better - Donald Trump's national security adviser, Michael…
Jeffrey Goldberg Unleashes Torrent of Trump Admin Signal Messages, World Shocked to Discover They’re Just Arguments Over Who Ate the Last Donut in the Break Room
And let's get this over with, shall we? The latest scoop in the world of politics is that The Atlantic's editor-in-chief, Jeffrey Goldberg, has released more messages from the Signal chat group for senior Trump administration officials, because, why not? I mean, who needs security and confidentiality when you're discussing sensitive information, right? (Just what I always wanted, more drama in my life). But, supposedly, these messages show that Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth shared…
Trump Order Guaranteed to Totally, Completely, and Absolutely Not Suppress Any Votes (Just Ask Russia)
Warning: what you're about to read is a totally biased, utterly absurd, and completely factual (okay, maybe not that last one) rant about the latest executive order from President Donald Trump. And, honestly, who needs facts when you have opinions, right? But, for the sake of argument, let's look at what's actually happening here. The President has signed an executive order that's supposed to "preserve and protect the integrity of American elections." Sounds good, right?…
Access Granted: We’ve Finally Reached the Pinnacle of Human Achievement by Installing a Slightly Better Gate
I'm stuck with this ridiculously over-the-top error message, and I just can't even, you know, access the article I wanted to rant about in the first place. But, and I mean big but, I'm going to try to rewrite it as a satirical piece, because why not, right? And, let's get real, the original article was probably about something super serious, like world politics or something, but who cares, because I'm stuck with this error…
Crockett Calls Texas Gov. Abbott ‘Governor Dented Fender’ for Crashing State into Ditch Repeatedly
I'm still trying to wrap my head around this one, and I just can't help but think that Texas politics has officially gone off the rails. Crockett, the genius that he is (or not), has decided to dub Texas Gov. Abbott 'Governor Hot Wheels' - because, you know, that's exactly what we need in a governor, right? I mean, who needs actual leadership skills when you can just be known for your love of toy…
Hegseth is ‘Literally the Most Qualified Secretary of Defense in History, Said No One Ever, Especially Not Sen. Duckworth’
Let's talk about the absolute chaos that is the Trump administration, shall we? I mean, where do we even begin? It's like trying to drink from a firehose, except the firehose is filled with classified information and the people in charge are completely incompetent. So, apparently, some top security officials (I use that term loosely) accidentally shared war plans with an Atlantic journalist (because, you know, opsec is overrated). And, of course, this journalist was…
Fetterman Told to Resign, Ordered to Return Flannel Shirt to Nearest Hipster
I'm literally fuming as I write this, and I just can't even right now - a Pennsylvania Democrat wants Senator John Fetterman to resign because he's apparently become BFFs with the Republican Party and President Donald Trump, which is just, like, what even is that? But anyway, Matt Roan, the chair of the Cumberland County Democratic Party, wrote this scathing editorial in PennLive, basically calling out Fetterman for abandoning Democratic values (or what's left of…
Trump White House Claims Classified Info Was Actually Just Recipes for Trump Steaks, Totally Not a Big Deal
Ugh, can you believe this? The Trump administration's group chat was leaked (because, of course, it was), and now we know that they were discussing war plans on a Signal chat. I mean, who needs security, right? It's not like they were sharing classified information or anything (oh wait, they were). And the best part? The White House press secretary, Karoline Leavitt, claims that "no classified material" was sent, which is just laughable. I mean,…