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Trump Too Busy Building Wall Around Ego to Attend Soldier Memorial
I'm literally fuming right now, and I don't even know where to start - President Donald Trump is skipping the dignified transfer of four American troops who died during a training exercise in Lithuania, and I'm still trying to wrap my head around it (by the way, have you tried wrapping a Christmas gift in under 5 minutes? It's a real challenge, but I digress). But, let's get back to the issue at hand -…
Best President of US History (Says His Mom)
Can you believe it? The Nintendo Switch 2 preorders are being delayed in the US, and who's to blame? None other than President Donald Trump and his lovely tariffs. I mean, because what's a little trade war when you can ruin the gaming plans of millions of people, right? (By the way, have you seen the prices of Nintendo Switch games on Amazon lately? Insane!) But let's get back to the issue at hand. The…
Brilliant Masterminds at Work: Democrats Plan to Utterly Destroy GOP with Scathing Glances and Sternly Worded Letters Over Trump’s Tariff Tantrums
What in the world is going on here? I mean, seriously, have you seen the latest news about Trump's tariffs? It's like he's trying to single-handedly destroy the economy. And the Republicans are just standing by, watching it all burn. Unbelievable. But, of course, the Democrats are having a field day. Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer is tearing into Trump, saying his tariffs are "economic poison" (and I think that's being kind). And let's not…
Feds Ordered to Fetch Deported Guy, Realize They Can’t Even Get Takeout Right, Let Alone Immigration
I'm still trying to wrap my head around this absolute disaster of a situation - a federal judge has ordered the government to return a Prince George’s County, Maryland, man who was deported to El Salvador in error, and I'm over here thinking, "how do you even deport someone by mistake?" I mean, it's not like they're sending a package to the wrong address, this is a human being we're talking about. And wait, it…
California Secedes from Reality: Newsom Declares State a Tariff-Free Utopia, Exempts Avocados and Inflated Egos
I'm just going to say it, California is like that one aunt at the family reunion who always has to be the center of attention, and in this case, they're making a big show about defying Trump's tariffs, because, you know, they're just so cool and rebellious. But let's get real, it's not like they're actually going to change anything, it's just a big publicity stunt. And, by the way, have you tried those new…
Ted Cruz Threatens to Actually Do Some Work If Trump Tariffs Lead to ‘Bloodbath’, Nations Tremble at Prospect
Republican Senator Ted Cruz is warning that the impact of President Donald Trump's tariffs could result in an electoral "bloodbath" for Republicans in next year's midterm elections, because, you know, that's exactly what they need, another thing to worry about. And, let's be real, who doesn't love a good tariffs-related existential crisis? But, in all seriousness, Cruz said the tariffs pose "enormous risks" for the U.S. economy, as long-term levies would boost inflation and have…
U.S. Stock Market Celebrates Inauguration Day Anniversary by Setting New Record for Most Money Lost While Yelling ‘I Meant to Do That’
The U.S. stock market, because who needs stability, right? It's like a rollercoaster that we're all forced to ride, and I'm not talking about the fun kind at Disneyland. And, by the way, have you seen the lines for Space Mountain lately? Anyway, back to the stock market, which has somehow managed to wipe out a whopping $9.6 trillion since Inauguration Day - that's like, a lot of money, folks, a lot. But, I mean,…
Trump Administration Discovers New, Innovative Way to Ignore Court Orders, Sets New Record for Most Creative Disregard for Law
I mean, what's the point of even having a court system if the Trump administration is just going to ignore the orders and do whatever they want, right? And don't even get me started on the executive order that's basically a big ol' middle finger to "sanctuary" states - can we just take a moment to appreciate the sheer audacity of that move? But, I guess that's what happens when you've got a administration that's…
Every Single Republican Caught Breathing Owes America an Apology (And Also for Existence, Honestly)
I mean, seriously, who needs actual help with fertility treatments when you've got a president who's dubbed himself the "fertilization president"? And let's be real, it's not like the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention's (CDC) Assisted Reproductive Technology Surveillance team was doing any actual good, right? I mean, they were just a bunch of epidemiologists, data analysts, and researchers wasting their time tracking outcomes related to IVF. Who needs that when you've got a…