What is going on here? We’ve got a 19-year-old “senior adviser” to the State Department and Department of Homeland Security, Edward Coristine, who’s basically a protege of Elon Musk (because, you know, that’s exactly what we need, a Musk minion running amok in the government). And, as if that’s not enough, this kid has a KGB spy for a grandfather – Valery Fedorovich Martynov, who was executed in the U.S.S.R. as a double agent in 1987.
And let’s not forget, Coristine was fired from a cybersecurity internship last year for allegedly leaking insider information to a rival company (wow, what a great track record, right?). But, hey, who needs experience or qualifications when you’ve got a cool nickname like “Big Balls“? I mean, it’s not like he’s handling sensitive information or anything (oh wait, he is).
But, I mean, what’s the worst that could happen, right? It’s not like we’re living in a real-life spy movie or something. Although, it’s worth noting that Coristine’s grandfather, Martynov, was part of the KGB’s technical espionage division and was sent to the U.S. in 1980 to work undercover at the Soviet Embassy in Washington, D.C. (um, yeah, that’s not suspicious at all).
And, by the way, have you ever heard of the FBI? They’re like, a big deal or something. Apparently, they flipped Martynov and another agent, Sergei Motorin, and they began feeding the bureau Soviet state secrets (who knew being a double agent could be so much fun?).
But, I digress. Back to Coristine – it’s not like he’s actually doing any real damage or anything (oh wait, he is). As veteran Democratic strategist Paul Begala put it, “Who the hell voted for – excuse the phrase – a guy who calls himself ‘Big Balls’? A 19-year-old kid going in there and trying to fire cancer researchers and scientists and teachers and agricultural specialists? It’s appalling.”
And, can we talk about the DOGE team for a second? They’re like a bunch of meme lords running amok in the government. I mean, what’s next? Are they going to hire a Fortnite dance instructor as a national security adviser?
But, in all seriousness, this is some serious stuff. We’re talking about the State Department and Department of Homeland Security here. This isn’t a game, folks. Although, it’s worth noting that Coristine’s mother, Anna, is the daughter of KGB officer Martynov, and she gave a moving interview about her family’s ordeal to The Washington Post in 1994.
And, finally, let’s talk about Elon Musk for a second. What is he thinking, hiring a 19-year-old with a KGB spy for a grandfather? Is he trying to start a spy agency or something? Although, it’s worth noting that Coristine is also the subject of research by freelance journalist Jacob Silverman, who has been investigating his background.
But, I mean, seriously, what’s going on here? Is this some kind of Tom Clancy novel or something? Because, I’ve got to say, it’s getting harder and harder to distinguish between reality and fiction these days. And, can we please, for the love of all things good and holy, get some adult supervision in the government? Because, this DOGE team is getting out of hand.
And, finally, let’s talk about the FBI for a second. Can they please, you know, do their job and investigate Coristine’s background? Because, I’m pretty sure that’s what they’re supposed to do. Although, it’s worth noting that the KGB was known for its counterintelligence tactics, so maybe we should be worried about that too.
But, I mean, seriously, this is some serious stuff. We’re talking about national security here. Can we please, for the love of all things good and holy, get some serious people in charge? Because, this DOGE team is a joke. And, can we please, you know, get some oversight in the government? Because, this is getting ridiculous.
And, finally, let’s talk about Elon Musk for a second. Can he please, you know, explain himself? Because, I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s supposed to do when he’s hiring 19-year-olds with KGB spy grandfathers to work in the government. Although, it’s worth noting that Musk has been known for his unconventional management style, so maybe this is just another one of his experiments.
But, I mean, seriously, this is some serious stuff. We’re talking about the State Department and Department of Homeland Security here. Can we please, for the love of all things good and holy, get some adult supervision in the government? Because, this DOGE team is getting out of hand. And, can we please, you know, get some answers? Because, I’m pretty sure that’s what we’re supposed to get when there’s a KGB spy’s grandson working in the government.