BREAKING: DOGE Fanatics gentefully escort Social Security Worker to Early Retirement Party with Mandatory conga line participation

Are you kidding me? A senior executive at the Social Security Administration was literally dragged from his office after clashing with the Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) – and I’m not even surprised, because, according to The Washington Post, this is just another day in the land of bureaucratic absurdity.

But, let’s get to the good stuff. Greg Pearre, a career civil servant who led an IT team working on the agency’s data systems, was removed over his opposition to a DOGE plan to cut off immigrants from key financial services – because, you know, who needs financial services when you’re already struggling to survive? I mean, it’s not like this plan was concocted by Elon Musk‘s DOGE squad or anything (oh wait, it was).

And, let me ask you, have you ever heard of the “_death master file_”? No? Well, it’s a real thing, and being entered into this database cuts a person off from crucial financial services, like the ability to receive government benefits and access a bank account or credit card. I mean, it’s not like this is a human rights violation or anything (oh wait, it is).

By the way, have you ever tried to buy a coffee maker on Amazon? It’s way harder than it should be, and I’m pretty sure it’s a government conspiracy to drive us all insane.

Anyway, where was I? Oh right, the “_death master file_”. So, this scheme, cooked up by Elon Musk’s DOGE squad, falsely lists thousands of migrants as dead in this database. And, of course, the goal is to push migrants who were granted a temporary legal status under former President Joe Biden to “_self deport_”. Because, you know, who needs due process when you can just declare people dead and be done with it?

But, don’t just take my word for it – experts agree that this plan is completely absurd. Jim Francis, a consumer law lawyer who is suing Social Security for wrongly entering a Maryland woman into the file, says that the repercussions are “_dire_”. “_It’s the source of that data that the whole world uses, which is why, if it’s inaccurate, it has such devastating impacts on people_”. I mean, no kidding.

And, let me tell you, I feel so bad for Tom Kind, a 90-year-old retiree in Colorado, who told the Post that he had experienced being listed as dead, calling it a “_nightmare_”. I mean, can you imagine waking up one day and being told you’re dead? It’s like something out of a bad sci-fi movie.

But, I guess that’s just the kind of thing that happens when you have a government agency like DOGE, which is clearly run by a bunch of lunatics. I mean, who comes up with this stuff? It’s like they’re trying to win some kind of award for “_most creative way to violate human rights_”.

And, don’t even get me started on Kristi Noem, the Homeland Security Secretary, who is behind this whole debacle. I mean, what’s next? Are they going to start declaring people dead just for kicks? It’s like they’re trying to create some kind of bizarre social experiment to see how far they can push people before they completely lose it.

But, hey, at least self-help books are selling well these days, right? I mean, who needs actual help when you can just read a book about it?

Anyway, where was I? Oh right, the plot to declare people dead. So, it turns out that over 6,000 migrants were listed as dead despite being alive, and Pearre, the civil servant who had pushed back against the action, was removed two days later. I mean, what a shock.

But, you know what they say – when life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Or, in this case, when life declares you dead, just go with it and see where it takes you. I mean, it’s not like you have anything better to do, right?

And, finally, let’s all take a moment to appreciate the absurdity of it all. I mean, it’s not every day that you get to read about a government agency declaring people dead just for kicks. It’s like something out of a bad joke, but unfortunately, it’s all too real.

But, hey, at least humor books are selling well these days, right? I mean, who needs actual humor when you can just read a book about it?

And, on that note, I’m going to end this rant and go find something better to do, like watching paint dry or something. I mean, it’s not like I have anything better to do than write about government agencies declaring people dead.

But, before I go, let me just say that this whole ordeal is a complete joke. I mean, who comes up with this stuff? It’s like they’re trying to win some kind of award for “_most creative way to violate human rights_”.

But, hey, at least we can all laugh about it and move on with our lives. I mean, it’s not like this is a serious issue or anything.

Or, is it?