Republican Senator Ted Cruz is warning that the impact of President Donald Trump’s tariffs could result in an electoral “bloodbath” for Republicans in next year’s midterm elections, because, you know, that’s exactly what they need, another thing to worry about. And, let’s be real, who doesn’t love a good tariffs-related existential crisis?
But, in all seriousness, Cruz said the tariffs pose “enormous risks” for the U.S. economy, as long-term levies would boost inflation and have a continued negative impact on markets, which is just what we need, more market volatility. I mean, who doesn’t love the thrill of watching their 401k plummet, right?
And, as if that’s not enough, the S&P 500 dropped almost 5% on Friday after plummeting 4.8% the day before, while the tech-heavy Nasdaq 100 plunged 4.5%, adding to Thursday’s 6% drop, because, you know, who needs stability in the market, anyway? Should conditions continue down this path, Cruz said, Democrats could take back the Lower House and even the Senate, even if that scenario is less likely, but let’s be real, at this point, who knows what’s going to happen?
Cruz is among the Republicans speaking up against Trump’s tariffs, already saying on Thursday that he is “not a fan” of levies, which is code for “I’m trying to save my own skin”. “If the result of yesterday’s announcement is a lot of our trading partners across the globe dramatically reduce the tariffs they charge on U.S. goods and services, and the consequence of that is the U.S. government dramatically cuts the tariffs that were announced yesterday, that would be a great outcome,” Cruz explained, because, you know, that’s exactly how international trade works, just a big game of tariffs-related chicken.
And, but, Cruz then relayed a potential negative outcome, because, why not, right? “If the result is our trading partners jack up their tariffs and we have high tariffs everywhere, I think that is a bad outcome for America,” Cruz continued before conceding that consumers will end up paying more as a result, which is just what we need, more inflation.
Rand Paul is another Republican who has been criticizing tariffs, because, you know, someone has to be the voice of reason in this mess. The Kentucky Senator took to Fox News to publish an opinion article in which he made the case for why the administration should abandon tariffs and continue building strong relationships with foreign partners, because, you know, that’s not a radical idea or anything.
Other members of the GOP are taking concrete steps to address the measures, because, finally, someone is doing something. On Thursday, Sen. Chuck Grassley co-sponsored a bill that would require tariffs to be ratified by Congress within 60 days of their imposition, which is a great idea, except, you know, it’s not like they have anything better to do.
And, in conclusion, the tariffs are a mess, and everyone knows it, except, apparently, the person who implemented them. But, hey, at least we can all buy tariff-themed merchandise to commemorate this glorious moment in American economic history.
Moreover, Paul, along with three other GOP senators, defied Trump and voted along Democratic senators to repeal tariffs levied against Canada, because, you know, someone has to stand up for Canadian maple syrup.
In the end, it’s all about the tariffs, and how they’re going to ruin our economy, and our lives, and our board game nights. But, hey, at least we can all laugh about it, right?
Note: The information in this article is based on real events and data, but the tone and language used are satirical and not meant to be taken seriously. For more information on the topics discussed, please visit the following links: Bloomberg, Latin Times, and AOL News.