The U.S. stock market, because who needs stability, right? It’s like a rollercoaster that we’re all forced to ride, and I’m not talking about the fun kind at Disneyland. And, by the way, have you seen the lines for Space Mountain lately? Anyway, back to the stock market, which has somehow managed to wipe out a whopping $9.6 trillion since Inauguration Day – that’s like, a lot of money, folks, a lot.
But, I mean, what’s $9.6 trillion, really? It’s not like it’s a fortune cookie that we can just, you know, eat and forget about. Although, can you imagine if it was? “Congratulations, you’ve lost $9.6 trillion, but hey, at least you’re hungry now!” (I’m here for the snacks, not the financial advice). And, seriously, who needs that kind of money when you have Dow Jones to keep you company?
And, let’s be real, the stock market is like that one friend who’s always crashing the party, uninvited, and then proceeds to drain the entire bar – I mean, who needs a social life when you have a bear market, am I right? But, in all seriousness, $9.6 trillion is a lot of money, and I’m not just talking about the kind you find in a piggy bank (although, let’s be real, those things are adorable). I’m talking about the kind that can, you know, make or break an economy – or, you know, just break it, because, why not?
But, hey, who needs a stable economy when you have Twitter to keep you entertained? I mean, it’s not like the stock market is, you know, affected by the president’s tweets or anything (oh wait, it totally is). And, can we talk about how Inauguration Day is just, like, the ultimate plot twist in this whole stock market saga? I mean, who needs a soap opera when you have the U.S. stock market, am I right?
And, let’s not forget, $9.6 trillion is just a drop in the bucket, right? I mean, it’s not like it’s a bankruptcy waiting to happen or anything (oh wait, it totally is). But, hey, who needs financial stability when you have credit cards to, you know, save the day? (Just kidding, that’s not how it works, or is it?). And, can someone please explain to me why we’re still using Monopoly money in the real world? Like, what’s next, Candy Land as a viable investment strategy?
But, in all seriousness (just for a second, don’t worry), the stock market is like a bad boyfriend – it’s all hot and cold, and you never know when it’s going to break your heart (or, you know, your